My Grown Up Confession

(Photo by Liana Mikah on Unsplash)

What was I supposed to do when you stood there all sparkly-eyed, admiring someone else who wasn’t me? How was I supposed to tell you that it was you all this time? I knew the answer, I knew it all along.

I never wanted any of this. Lord knows I’ve been through this before. I could’ve sworn I was level-headed; I was sure to have drawn the lines; I was sure I knew my place. But why do emotions always go beyond reason? Before I sink any further, before I entangle myself deeper, before I start to feel like all of this is real — this has to stop.

But before I begin to wring this chapter dry, this is my grown-up confession.

It all began with an innocent crush. Nothing too extravagant, just your usual girl-crushing-on-popular-jock situation. Fast forward five years; here I am, five years older, but with the same teenage persona with a hopeless crush on someone she’ll never get.

Do you ever feel like you have a special connection with someone else? When you take one look at them and it’s like you’ve known them your entire life? As if you two have done this whole life thing side-by-side, like parallel lines that never once crossed paths? He felt like that. He was the classic example of a “so close yet so far” scenario. We were of different worlds, and it was fairly obvious. But of course, young me had my imaginations running wild — I couldn’t help it, I was young and so infatuated.

Years passed and I still see him around sometimes. One time we hopped on the same school bus in Uni and my insides were combusting so hard I was struggling to not do anything stupid. I blasted my music on my earphones so loud I could’ve sworn my ears ached after. Another time took place at an eating place and the moment my eyes recognized his familiar face, I panicked and walked so fast I couldn’t remember where I was heading to. Encounters with him were a whirlpool of involuntary panics and “JESUS IT’S HIM OMG LOOK AWAY”.

Despite so, all things have to come to an end — and so does my hopeless crush with this boy. I never thought I’d experience a feeling this insane after a while, and I’m thankful I got to live out the campus (one-sided) romance dream I’ve always yearned for through him. He may not know it, but he was the reason I still believed in love at university. If life ever grants me the chance and we cross paths, all I really want is to thank him for it. I’m thankful that we existed in this life at the same timeframe.

Well, in less than a year I will be off and the real #adulting will begin. With that, it’s time for me to unwrap myself from this little fairy tale. It’s time to loosen the strings that have protected me all these while. It’s time to go forth into the world, to learn to survive independently in this universe. I will do just that — and of course, I will try to control the pace of my heart whenever I happen to see him at any point in my life. Looking back, I’m amused and bemused at myself for having a crush for this long. It’s quite funny, reflecting on how I reacted — how those reactions were so pure. Wow, I really was such a shy kid.

I know that there never will be an “us”. What remains could only be repertoires of what I hoped could have been. At the end of the day, the only thing that connects two people is a single thread. Both ends have to be tugged equally to ensure a secure and taut connection. Pull either side a knack too hard and it snaps. Similarly, feelings are only held strong by those who pull on the threads with equal strength. Simply put: it takes two hands to clap.

Though this thread is flaccid and un-pulled, I’ve grown to accept what never will be, while remembering the hopeful memories I once had with him. Thank you, you — for making the last five years a little more bearable. I hope you find whatever it is out there that you’re looking for and I wish you all the happiness in the world.

[This article was originally published on Medium]

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