Someone You Can’t Have.

What’s it like to love someone you can’t have? Love is complicated. Often we get told how somehow, feelings are enough for two people to be together, how love transcends everything etc. Are they? Is love really purely enough?

Reality check.

As much as I would like to believe so, unfortunately it isn’t. Sadly the world we currently live in doesn’t work that way. We are governed by rationality. Though there are times we let our minds indulge in the ideals of romantic happily-ever-afters, a switch in us flick and we replace these thoughts with practicality. We weigh the costs and benefits.

Loving someone, all you need are feelings right? However, loving someone and wanting to be together takes a lot more than that in the 21st century. There are times when we find the right person during the wrong time, or find ourselves in the right time for love but with the wrong person. Presently it is tough to allow the right time and person to coincide, because that would require compromise.

One day a young us will find the right person, fall in love and think he/she was everything we could ever dream of. Time passes and slowly the ‘monthly anniversary’ celebrations get replaced by yearly ones, the midnight calls stop because we ran out of things to talk about. Meeting up for dates slowly becomes less of a priority as work piles up. Walking home together just seemed like a chore after a tiring day at work or school. And before we know it, one of us is fighting harder than the other to keep the relationship together. The deal ends when one of us has to leave the place for various reasons: school, relocation, work.

Yes, compromises can always happen. The question is: how long are we willing to compromise? Will there be a day when we’ve decided that we no longer are able to accommodate with each other and walk away? Long-distance relationships especially. How long are we able to be content with merely Skype video calls? Ultimately humans tend to long for sexual desire: the sensual aspect. Can we be completely okay loving someone without any physical contact whatsoever? We are greedy, we always want more.

Suddenly one day we decide that ending the relationship would be what’s best for both parties. The vast difference convinces us to end it off and hopefully find someone more suited for us. It convinces us to believe that our partner would be better off with someone else closer to them, and us with someone we can see and touch 24/7. Sometimes we choose to sacrifice someone who could be the best for us, for someone who’s more accessible or practical. We convince ourselves that there was someone else meant for and more suited for us. We end the relationship and move on.

More time passes and occasionally we stumble upon our exes online, seeing pictures of them with their current loved ones and we can’t help but turn to look at our current partners and wonder if they were ‘the one’. We then question our love for our current partner. Was he/she really worth me sacrificing my ex for? Did we love based on feelings itself or did we love based on accessibility and practicality? I’m with him/her because we’re in the same workplace, I’m with him/her because our family businesses would do well together, I’m with him/her because they can provide me with good financial security. 

And then slowly we realise that the one we let go of earlier was the one. That was the person we loved purely. We loved that person not because of what he or she could give us in exchange, not because of how much money he/she made, not because of his/her family background, not because of his/her close proximity to us. We loved that person purely because of who he/she was. That was pure love. Not the current, accessible, practical love that most of us tend to gravitate toward. That is when we realise that we’re in love with someone we once had, but can no longer have.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: it is tough to love purely in the current world we live in. We are so drawn to rationality that we are capable of convincing ourselves for loving the person we are currently with when sometimes, we might not. Wanting to find love that would last a lifetime would mean fighting to overcome the challenges that threaten to tear it apart. No matter how hard it may be. I’m not saying that everyone should go all out of their way to fight for that one person. I’m merely suggesting. If we are completely okay loving accessibly/practically without any regrets – then it’s alright continuing with the idea of loving for reason. However, if we are not okay regretting about losing someone we once had and loving someone we currently can’t have – then fight for your happiness.

I think the main question is: when did we start loving for reason?

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